Do you ever find conversation with someone unduly tiring and don’t know why? Do you feel confused about ‘what happened there’ and wonder if there was any genuine meeting of minds at all?

I do.

Since I’ve stepped into this world and work of psychotherapy I have noticed more and more something about church culture: and I don’t think it’s particularly healthy.

Donald Winnicott, who was a wonderful psychiatrist and psychotherapist in the 1960s, brought into the literature the concept of the ‘false self’: a pseudo-personality or persona, curated by the individual at a conscious and subconscious level, to allow relationships with others to exist while masking the shame-defective self. That’s some technical speak, but if you read it slowly hopefully it will make sense. And I’m pretty sure that we all do it to some extent, but I also suspect strongly that church culture not only facilitates it to a dangerous degree, but actually promotes it on many occasions.

In Christian or church circles, especially in some, there is such a drive to Christian growth and maturity, and also unfortunately sometimes a sense of hierarchy within any particular network. This can mean that we are pulled into attempting an accelerated form of Christian growth, often by mimicking others around us, perhaps those who have more responsibility in the church or who are in some form of leadership. This is most obviously seen by people learning a ‘preaching voice’ or a ‘praying voice’ or certain ways of phrasing their speech, carefully policing certain opinions which are not OK, forcing a particular presentation of self that sends out signals of godliness or acceptability to others, carefully pushing down our authentic self because it feels like correct self-discipline and self-control. This is all motivated by a desire to do the right thing, as well as possibly the less attractive desire to compete and get further up the hierarchy, sometimes!

It is a fear-based way of being, and it’s also possible that by working hard at making ourselves acceptable, we’re scared of enquiring into topics or ministries that God might be nudging us into, because our main concern is the authorisation or authentication of the tribe (ie our particular church network) rather than God himself.

This is not real change. It’s just behaviour modification and the curating of a false self. I know this because when people experience extreme forms of physical suffering, such as intense pain or even cognitive decline in later life, or an episode of genuine acute stressful life circumstance, the real self comes roaring back into life. What is resisted persists, and even fights back. 

I am often struck by accounts of Eric Liddell, the famous Scottish sprinter and Christian missionary, who died in a Japanese prisoner-of-war camp in WWII, that he was never heard speaking badly of anyone else in the camp, guard or inmate. This is extraordinary and shows genuine Christian growth and conviction, fostered over years. It is a far cry from our easy 21st Century manufactured version.

So my question is: can we accept ourselves and the stage we’re at in the journey? Psychotherapists call this a non-shaming approach, self-compassion, self-care. It is a pre-requisite to genuine care for others. If we’re constantly curating a false self to show the world, then we’re also judging others as they attempt to do the same. I would like to invite you to have a think and see if you think that’s correct. And see if you think you might have been attempting to suppress the true self in an attempt to be godly. 

Real Christian growth can’t be rushed. God will make it happen, in time, and it likely will involve suffering. There is no short-cut.

‘We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope’ (Romans 5:3-4).